Okay, so you have a big feeling and you’ve named it. You’ve moved some energy from the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex. This gives you a little breathing room. The feeling is still there, you can still feel it, but it’s not so overwhelming. That 3-second strategy is helpful all by itself. (If you missed Part 1 of this article, read it here!)
There are lots of strategies to help you further manage your feelings. One that makes a big difference if you can figure out how to do it is to accept the feeling.
When you’re stuck in an uncomfortable feeling, your instinct is to fight against it. You want that feeling gone. But when you fight with a feeling and try to force it to go away, you’re giving it energy. You’re increasing the tension you have with this feeling. That’s the opposite of what you want.
If you can accept the feeling instead, you’ll stop wasting your energy. Accepting a feeling means you acknowledge it’s there and you don’t fight against it. You don’t give it that kind of energy.
Accepting a feeling doesn’t mean you like it or approve of it or want it.
It just means you understand that you have it.
Naming your feeling is part of acceptance. Saying, “I’m feeling irritated” is acknowledging the feeling of irritation. Saying, “I’m feeling irritated and I shouldn’t be” or “I’m feeling irritated and that’s a problem”, is fighting with it.
The poem The Guest House is a beautiful guidebook to accepting our feelings. In it, Rumi encourages us to treat all of our emotions, even the painful ones, like valued guests in our guest house. He asks us to invite all the feelings in; don’t shut the door against any of them. No feeling is more valuable than another just because it is more pleasant to experience.
When you invite your emotions in – which doesn’t mean you focus on them, by the way. It just means you stop trying to keep them out – when you invite your emotions in, you’re not wasting energy wishing they weren’t there or wishing they were different or blaming yourself for feeling them or blaming others for giving them to you.
When you invite your feelings in, you’re saying, “Hi, make yourself comfortable with the other guests or go to your room and relax. You are welcome here.”
My version of The Guest House is called The Annoying Roommate. It’s a reminder that if you have an annoying roommate, you don’t pick a fight with her every time she’s home just because you wish she wasn’t there. If you did that, you’d be wasting a ton of energy and creating more negative experiences for yourself. Your roommate is on the lease just like you are; she has as much right to be there as you do. So when she comes home, give a little “What’s up?” head bob and then go back to your business.
If you’re not fighting with your feelings, you’ve got more energy to direct toward meaningful thoughts, feelings, and actions that make your life juicier. That’s the goal – quiet down the unhelpful stuff so you can focus on the helpful stuff.
The next time you feel stuck in a feeling, name it and allow it to be there. Don’t fight with it. Then put your attention where you want it!