At your next holiday gathering, make sure boundaries are on table, right next to the rolls and green beans.
Makes sense, right? People at holiday gatherings tend to ask offensive questions and say painful things. We’re supposed to assert our boundaries when that happens. But how exactly do we do that (and are we for sure allowed?)?
Let’s start with the basics: a boundary is the marker that separates my space from your space. It is a “Do Not Enter Without My Permission” sign.
If you go past my boundary without my permission, you are trespassing. As a result, I may feel unsafe, unimportant, ignored, angry, uncomfortable, anxious, or any other number of feelings.
Boundaries are meant to keep us interpersonally safe. When I tell you where my boundaries are, I’m giving you a blueprint for how to treat me with respect. I’m telling you where I feel comfortable with you going in my internal landscape, and I’m also telling you where you are not allowed. This is meant to be helpful information that will make our relationship easier.
It’s important to understand that my boundaries are about me. They are based on me and my personal experiences. They are for my safety and comfort. They don’t have to be the same as anyone else’s. They also don’t have to make sense to anyone else.
Only I get to say what I experience as harmful, and I get to set my boundaries wherever they make sense for me. That is all valid. Other people do not get to tell us what and where our boundaries should be.
Because everyone’s boundaries are different, I can’t expect you to know where my boundaries are. I have to tell you where they are. Then, if you choose not to respect them, I will take action to keep myself safe.
So if we’re at a holiday dinner and someone makes a general bigoted comment or comments on our weight or tells us that we don’t “need seconds”, we have the right to protect ourselves. We have the right to say that we are not going to tolerate that behavior because it is harmful to us. That is asserting a boundary.
We get to say, “It’s harmful to me when you say that others shouldn’t have the same rights as you do” or “It’s harmful to me when you comment on my food or my body.” In an ideal world, the person would not want to harm us and would respect our boundary by stopping the behavior. In the real world, people often aren’t interested in respecting our boundaries. When that happens, we have the right to remove ourselves from the situation (or the relationship) or take care of ourselves in whatever way serves us best.
In other words, if you cross my boundary, I will take steps to keep myself safe or reduce the harm. That may mean asking you not to talk about certain topics with me or asking you to listen to my perspective and knowledge on the topic or me leaving the room or me sitting with someone else. It may mean leaving the gathering or not going in the first place. All of that is valid.
That part, the action I take, is a consequence of my boundary being crossed. If I tell you that you doing a thing makes me feel unsafe, and you do that thing, the consequence is that I am going to take some action. The action is about me and keeping myself safe. It’s not about you, though you may have some feelings about it.
People get offended or angry about boundaries because they don’t think we should feel unsafe or harmed by what they are doing. And they believe they have the right to keep interacting with us however they want, regardless of how we feel. They don’t like being given limitations and parameters that don’t make sense to them.
It is not our job to persuade someone else to believe that what they are doing is hurting us or that our boundaries are valid. It’s our job to let them know what our boundary is, so they have the opportunity to change their behavior if they choose. But if they don’t choose to change their behavior, we have to take care of ourselves.
So, as you head into the holiday season, get clear about your boundaries and how you will protect them:
- Start by identifying the boundaries that are likely to be in jeopardy at a holiday gathering. Journal about your boundaries or talk about them with a friend. Do your best to know they are valid.
- Then identify the people who are likely to cross your boundaries and how they are likely to cross your boundaries. What are they likely to say or do?
- After you anticipate how each person might cross a boundary, think about what you could say to make your boundary clear.
For example, you might ask your mom ahead of time to not comment on how much anyone is eating or talk about calories.
Or you might get ready to say, “Hey Uncle Fred, it actually hurts my feelings when you tease me about my weight. I know you don’t want to hurt my feelings, so please don’t do it again.”
You could make a more general statement: “I’m not going to have this conversation. It’s not enjoyable or helpful.”
Or maybe a holiday dinner isn’t the place to formally assert your boundary, so think about how you could enact your boundary. You could firmly change the topic, turn your head and start talking to someone else, or go sit somewhere else.
The point is to get as clear as you can about what is likely to come your way so you can get clear about how to respond. You deserve to be protected.
Spend time rehearsing your responses in the days leading up to the event. It may feel scary or awkward to do it, but that’s only because it’s new and other people may have feelings about it. The good news is, you can feel scared and still assert your boundaries!
Remember, boundaries are about protection, not punishment. If someone is offended by your boundary, that’s on them. Your safety is on you, so make sure boundaries are on the table this holiday season, along with the rolls and green beans!
Additional articles:
For more on boundaries: What’s All the Hullaballoo about Boundaries?
For more on managing stress around the holidays: Surviving Thanksgiving and How to Get through the Holidays without Focusing on Your Weight