Relationships with narcissists leave us feeling bad, whether the narcissist is your partner, your parent, your sibling, or your colleague. Being in a relationship with a narcissist causes our self-esteem to decline and our self-doubt to skyrocket. We become chronically stressed and feel chronically helpless, like nothing we do makes a difference.
Narcissists create toxic relationships.
Before we talk about the driving need that leads to all the toxicity, let’s address the variety of narcissists that exist, because they’re not all slap-you-in-the-face obvious. The spectrum of narcissists ranges from someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder at one end, to someone with some narcissistic traits at the other. There are also covert narcissists, who are more introverted, insecure, and sensitive to criticism, and overt narcissists, who act like pompous asses. Narcissists don’t all look exactly the same, but they share some commonalities.
Narcissists have a very strong sense of self-importance; they believe they’re superior to everyone except perhaps an elite few. They believe they’re special and deserve special treatment and admiration. They’re controlling, though they may be so adept at manipulation that the control doesn’t feel like control. They aren’t interested in anyone’s point of view if it differs from their own, and they don’t do true empathy. They also don’t do accountability or apologies.
The single need that drives all of this is a consuming, compelling, driving need to be right. The need to be right is so strong for a narcissist, they don’t even see it as a need. It just is. They are right. Always. No matter what.
People are generally driven by the needs for survival and acceptance. After basic needs like food, shelter, and safety are taken care of, we need love and connection. Those are primary needs for most of us. We assume those are the primary needs of the people we’re in relationships with. That’s why we get so confused by narcissists – they’re playing a different game with different rules.
We’re looking for connection; they’re looking for us to agree that they are right. This is a huge difference, and it causes a lot of pain.
Here’s what happens when someone has to be right: everyone else has to be wrong. For a narcissist, it’s black or white; those are the only two options. You either agree with the narcissist or you’re wrong.
If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve been told you were wrong so many times you began to doubt yourself. It didn’t matter that you weren’t always wrong – that part was irrelevant. Everything about you is irrelevant if it’s not in support of the narcissist’s needs. In a relationship with a narcissist, there is simply no room for you. You have to conform to the narcissist’s perspective or be constantly told that you are wrong and inferior.
Here are some examples of how this looks:
You have to say things the “right” way or they’re completely dismissed.
You will never be acknowledged as right if you knew something the narcissist didn’t. In fact, this will feel threatening to the narcissist.
If you question the narcissist, they will see this as a hostile act.
If you get lots of praise from someone else, the narcissist will take offense and minimize the praise unless the praise reflects their (perceived) contribution.
You have to give the narcissist the exact “right” gift or you’ll be seen as worthless.
The narcissist is going to get you whatever gift they think is “right”, regardless of what you’ve told them you want.
When you’re in a relationship with someone who treats you as if you’re never right, who repeatedly dismisses you, and who can’t tolerate your successes, it will impact your sense of self in specific ways. At some point you’ll start to question whether you are, in fact, wrong. You’ll start to question your intelligence. You’ll start to question your competence. When you’re never taken seriously, you’ll start to question your worth.
The chronic stress comes from repeatedly bracing for the argument, bracing for the judgment and mean words, constantly having to defend your knowledge or point of view as valid, constantly being told you’re wrong, with no way to be right. You twist yourself into a pretzel trying to please them or make them happy with you, but you’ll never earn their respect.
Once you understand that the thing that drives your narcissist is the need to be right, you can change how you participate in the relationship. Once you know that it’s them, not you, you can react to them differently. You can stop taking it personally. You can stop pretzeling yourself. It won’t change what they need or how they see you, but it will change how you feel about yourself.
To learn more about dealing with narcissists:
Communicating with a Narcissist: What you need to know to do it better
7 Telltale Signs You were Raised by a Narcissist