I’m going to tell you exactly how to do self-acceptance – there are only 2 steps.
Ready? Here we go!
Step 1. Notice something about yourself.
For example:
- “I don’t generally enjoy exercising”, or
- “I have blue eyes”, or
- “I’m anxious.”
Step 2. Don’t judge that thing.
For example:
- “I don’t generally enjoy exercising.” instead of “It’s a bad thing that I don’t generally enjoy exercising.” or “I’m bad for not enjoying exercising.”
- “I have blue eyes.” instead of “Blue eyes are good; they’re better than other eye colors.”
- “I’m anxious.” instead of “It’s bad to be anxious.”
That’s it!
That’s all self-acceptance is: noticing something about yourself and not judging it as good or bad. Sounds simple, right?
Simple but not easy, because we looooove to judge! We do it without realizing it, all the time. Food is judged as good or bad. Feelings are judged as good or bad. Experiences are judged as good or bad. People are judged as good or bad. Clothes, hairstyles, opinions, jobs, the temperature, and on and on and on. We judge all of it.
There’s actually a good reason for this – our brains were built to streamline our experience. Our brains want to reduce things as much as possible so they can intake as much information as possible. So really, we come by it naturally. We are natural judges.
The problem is, judgment comes with a lot of baggage. When we judge ourselves or our bits as bad, we’re telling ourselves that we are wrong or we’re doing something wrong and we need to change. When we judge ourselves as good, we now have a standard we have to keep measuring up to; we need to not change. That’s not helpful in all kinds of ways.
There is no actual good reason to judge ourselves. Reducing ourselves and our bits into good and bad is not reflective of real life; there’s no “right” way to live or be. It’s like saying one tree is good because it has 29 branches and another is bad because it has 32 branches – it makes no sense.
Once we all realize that judging ourselves does much more harm than good, we can start practicing noticing ourselves without judging ourselves.
Notice something about yourself right now – go ahead.
I’m noticing that my back is sore.
Once you’ve identified the thing, don’t judge it. Just let it be what it is.
I could judge my sore back as bad. I could get annoyed and aggrieved about it. I could start a whole story about how I should know better than to slouch when I’m writing. I could get angry with myself for not moving more today. Or, I could just notice that my back is sore and move on. Much less energy expended that way!
I’m also noticing that I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the painful, awful things happening in the world. I could judge myself for not handling all of the pain more skillfully; I am a therapist after all! That’s probably not going to make me feel better in any way. If I just notice my overwhelm, there’s room for me to offer myself some compassion (did you know that self-compassion increases resilience and decreases stress and depression?).
Acceptance means you agree that what is, is. That’s it. Self-acceptance means you see you and your bits for what they are. It does not mean that you see your bits and then assign them a value of good or bad.
When you accept yourself, you stop wasting time and energy and self-esteem trying to change your bits to fit into other people’s ideas of what “acceptable” or “worthy” is. Self-acceptance takes the power away from your inner critic. You realize that you don’t have to do a song and dance to prove your worth – ever. You get to be exactly who you are, always.
Self-acceptance is such a relief!
If you accept your bits, does that mean that you like all your bits and you don’t want to change any of them? No, not at all. Seeing your bits is completely separate from whether or not you like them. I can accept a person I don’t like.
The point is that if you decide to change something about yourself, you’re not doing it to make you good or acceptable, and you’re not bad if you don’t change it. You’re doing it because it would feel better to you; that’s all. If I change my hairstyle, I’m doing it because I like the way the new style looks, not because I’m hoping it will make me more acceptable as a human. If I work on being less controlling, I’m doing it because I know it will make my relationships better, not because it will make me good.
As I said, self-acceptance is simple – only two steps! – but definitely not easy. It takes some effort.
And, like you, it’s always totally worth it!