This is really part 2 of my last article, “How To Do Body Neutrality in a Body You Don’t Love”. In that article I explained what body neutrality is, but understanding what it is is not the same as living it.
I’ve been preaching body neutrality for close to 20 years. I came up with it after yet another patient had literally cried in my office, feeling like a failure because she couldn’t figure out how to love her body. I wasn’t the only one to start talking about body neutrality – other people came up with the same idea, calling it the same thing. We clearly needed an alternative to body hatred and body love. We needed something helpful and realistic.
Body neutrality tells us to stop judging our bodies for what they look like and how big they are. That stuff isn’t important or meaningful, so we don’t need to judge it or focus on it. We don’t need to love what our bodies look like any more than we need to love what our big toes look like. According to body neutrality, what is meaningful about our bodies is that they allow us to have all the experiences we have ever had and ever will have.
I 1000% believe this. I have for two decades. And yet, I still fight with myself to not care so much about the size of my belly or my pants. We have been so indoctrinated in this myth that being thinner is better that we don’t question it.
We assume our bodies are wrong, not the story we’ve been told about them.
Even I, a therapist who tells patients every day that their bodies are not wrong, even I still catch myself believing my body is not good enough because it is not as thin as it once was and other people are.
So how do I live body neutral? Not perfectly. At all. And it still makes all the difference.
My Story
Let me start by saying I’ve always been naturally thin. I did not have to “work” for my thin body. I did not have to diet or watch what I ate. I did not have to exercise. I didn’t gain weight or lose it. I stayed the same weight my entire adult life, without effort. That was the body my genetics gave me. I acknowledge my thin privilege.
Even so, I did not love my body. I saw it as imperfect and therefore not good enough. I focused on the “problem areas”, like my not-flat tummy, but even those areas didn’t generally ruin my day or my self-esteem.
Back then, body neutrality was easier. It was relatively easy to not focus on my imperfect tummy for more than a few minutes. If I found myself wishing for more toned thighs or whatever, I didn’t think about it for too long. It didn’t feel like that much of a problem.
Then I had two kids in my 40’s, and my body shifted a bit. After the second kid, I weighed a little more than my pre-baby weight. I didn’t love that, but I was too exhausted from having small kids to care that much.
Then, about four years later, the real weight gain started. Over three years, I gained about 25 pounds. It started during COVID, so I wasn’t really thinking about my weight at first. However, at some point I realized I needed bigger pants. I bought them, even though I had never changed size outside of pregnancy. A year later, I again needed a bigger size. I felt like I must be doing something wrong.
I was – I was expecting my body to not change.
My body is now significantly bigger than it has ever been as a result of whatever stage of menopause I’m in. This is not my favorite thing to have happened to me. I am still not comfortable with this bigger body, even though it’s been (with) me for a few years at this point. I feel uglier. I feel embarrassed sometimes, if I’m not paying attention.
However, logically, intellectually, I know that this bigger body doesn’t mean anything meaningful. My health is as good as it’s ever been. I’m exercising more than I had been since before having kids. My worth has not actually decreased because of my bigger body, even if I sometimes feel embarrassed. I remind myself of all of this as often as needed.
Reminding myself that my (bigger) body size is not meaningful is a body neutral behavior. It makes a difference in how I feel about myself.
Even though I’ve been espousing body neutrality for 20 years, only in the last five years have I really had to learn how to live it. Every day, I remind myself to stop judging my body. Every day, I remind myself that my body size says nothing meaningful about me.
Other body neutral behaviors I engage in include:
- Not weighing myself
- Not looking at my body in the mirror and judging it
- Not squeezing my fat or doing any other body checking behaviors
- Not saying mean things to myself about my body or weight
- Not comparing my body to other people’s bodies
- Not complimenting other people on weight loss or having a smaller body
- Not talking about body size or weight at all
- Wearing clothes that fit me comfortably (not wearing clothes that are too small)
- Choosing clothes I like rather than focusing on whether they “flatter” my body
- Declining to be weighed at the doctor’s office
- Learning about weight science (Ragen Chastain covers a lot of it!)
- Unfollowing social media accounts that focus on being thin or showing only thin bodies
- Reminding myself that my body is here to allow me to have all the experiences I’ve had
- Focusing on the parts of myself and my life that are meaningful and fulfilling
Like I said, I don’t do all of these perfectly. I’m still too vain and insecure and steeped in the thin ideal to remember about body neutrality all the time.
But I do them more and more often, and it makes a huge difference. I don’t spend nearly as much time putting myself down or trying to look different. As a result, I have more time and energy and better self-esteem, and I’m a better role model to my kids. I’m also reminded to stay connected to what is actually meaningful to me, and that makes my life feel more fulfilling.
How do you practice body neutrality?