If you’re exchanging gifts with a narcissist this holiday season, there are some important points to keep in mind to make the experience a little less painful. Let’s start by understanding how narcissists* think, and then we’ll talk about how this impacts the gift-giving experience.
To be blunt, narcissists think that they are always right (and no one else is). They see themselves as superior to everyone. In their minds, they simply know best. Therefore, only their opinions, beliefs, wants, and feelings matter (because their opinions, beliefs, wants, and feelings are the right ones). You can perhaps see where this is going in terms of gift giving.
When you know best, nobody else’s thoughts, wants, needs, or feelings need to be considered. Nobody else’s thoughts, wants, needs, or feelings need to be respected. Nobody else can be correct if they differ from the narcissist, and being correct is all that matters.
It’s important to understand that a narcissist is not going to put themselves in anyone else’s shoes. They don’t see the point, since the narcissist’s perspective and experience are always the right ones. As a result, they lack empathy and perspective.
Clearly, narcissists believe they are super special – the most special person in any room – and they believe they deserve to be treated as such. In their mind, there is no good reason someone wouldn’t treat them as such. Narcissists tend to get angry when someone doesn’t acknowledge their specialness.
These thought processes and beliefs impact the gift-giving experience in very specific ways, whether the narcissist is your parent, your partner, or your friend. Understanding this will prepare you for how the gift giving inevitably goes down. Part of the preparation involves shifting your expectations and reminding yourself in advance that you haven’t done anything wrong.
When a narcissist gives you a gift:
This is the #1 most helpful thing to remember: the gift is not about you. The narcissist is giving you the gift they want you to have, which is based on them, not you. What you want is irrelevant because they know better than you about what you should have. Remember, narcissists always know best.
Whenever my mom went to a wedding, she never gave the couple something from their registry. She always knew better than they did about what they should want; it didn’t remotely matter what they desperately needed (or just actually wanted, or even what their personal style was). Their needs and wants and style were the wrong ones if they were different than what my mom thought they should be (for the record, what the couple should want was usually a picnic basket).
So when you are receiving a gift from a narcissist, do not expect to get what you want, even if you were explicit about your wants. Do expect to get what you don’t want, even if you were explicit about what you don’t want. If you have told your partner 27 different times that you do not want the newest blender/phone/whatever, he is going to get you one anyway if he thinks you should have it. It is disrespectful to blatantly disregard what someone has explicitly said, but your partner will see himself as purely benevolent and generous when he gives you that blender/phone/whatever. He can only see it from his point of view; yours is irrelevant.
Also, you must be very enthusiastic and grateful when you receive a gift from a narcissist, or they will feel like you have mortally wounded them (god forbid you ask to return or exchange it!). In their mind, they have put in the effort to choose exactly the right gift for you. They can’t understand why you wouldn’t enthusiastically want it, first of all, because there is no question that this is exactly the right gift for you. Second of all, to them, it’s only about the effort they put in and their feelings; it’s not about what you want or asked for. That’s why, if you don’t like the gift, you are simply being ungrateful, even if you have sincerely thanked them. Once again, the gift is not actually about you.
Once you understand the narcissistic mind, you’ll realize that it’s a waste of time to try to get a narcissist to understand your point of view. So when you get a gift that’s about them instead of you, you have two solid options: 1) you can choose to give a kind-but-honest reaction (“Thank you. It’s not my style, but I appreciate that you thought of me.”) and expect that it will likely cause some tension and potentially an argument and that you won’t get validation or understanding, or 2) you can enthusiastically thank them and (hopefully) move on. There’s no right or wrong – it’s whatever feels best to you in that moment.
When you give a narcissist a gift:
Be ready for hypocrisy!
If you get a narcissist anything other than precisely what they asked for or wanted, you have automatically done the wrong thing and they will be disappointed. They will assume that you didn’t put any thought or effort into it (or, alternatively, you’re just too dumb to understand what the right thing is). They may try to make you feel guilty or stupid, as if there is no reason to not have given them the right thing.
Even if you do get it right, they will not be especially grateful for their gift. Getting it right is the bare minimum in their mind and not hard to do (i.e., there’s no reason for gratitude).
So when you are the gift giver, keep your expectations low in terms of their reaction. It’s easy to feel disappointed, or guilty for not being good enough. When you understand how narcissists think, you understand that their reaction is about them, not the gift or the thought you put into it.
On this end of things, my mom did offer genuine appreciation when she liked a gift. When she didn’t like a gift, she would feign appreciation – she knew the social rules – but she could not understand why someone would get her such an ugly whatever it was, and she would fairly immediately throw it away or give it away.
And if you are hoping to give your narcissist such a perfect gift that they will stop seeing you as inferior and start seeing and appreciating you, it’s time to stop hoping. That is not something they are capable of doing, regardless of what gift you give or who you are or what you do.
Whether you are the gift giver or receiver this holiday season, prepare yourself. Remember that it’s not like exchanging gifts with anyone else. When you know what to expect, it’s easier to not take their reaction to heart and not go along with their narrative. It’s easier to not feel (as) hurt, not feel (as) bad. That may be as good as it gets when you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Wishing you more ease this holiday season! ♥
*”Narcissists” are people with narcissistic traits. These traits exist on a continuum – one person can be very narcissistic and someone else can be less narcissistic.
For more on life with narcissists:
How Having a Narcissistic Parent Impacts Our Love Lives
7 Telltale Signs You were Raised by a Narcissist
Communicating with a Narcissist: What you need to know to do it better
The One Driving Need that Makes Narcissists Toxic