If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, whether the narcissist is your partner, your parent, your brother-in-law, or your coworker, read this.
If you are in a relationship with someone who believes they’re always right, they always know best, and they are superior to everyone, someone who makes you feel like you’re always wrong and never good enough, who never sees your point of view, who isn’t empathic or compassionate, and who desperately needs to be admired, read this.
We’re going to talk about how to communicate with this person so your pain is minimized, because being in a relationship with a narcissist is painful. You’re constantly invalidated, demeaned, and dismissed, and you feel helpless to change it.
Let’s start with what we’re trying to achieve here. I’m going to show you that the goal, when communicating with a narcissist, is not to convince them that you’re right or that you have inherent worth. The goal is to stay focused on self-care. It’s no longer about trying to have your side of the relationship fairly represented. It’s about getting in and getting out. When you communicate with a narcissist, the goal is to get through the interaction with as little damage as possible.
There are two things you need to know in order to take care of yourself when you’re communicating with a narcissist:
First: It is absolutely them, not you. The hallmark of a narcissist is being self-focused and self-important. It doesn’t matter who they’re in a room with – the narcissist will believe they are more important than and know better than that person, every time. Doesn’t matter who that person is or what they actually know; the facts are irrelevant. It has nothing to do with how smart you are, how you’re saying it, or anything else about you.
Second: Narcissists care about two things (neither one is the facts!):
- being right, and
- getting what they want.
For narcissists, relationships are transactional, not connective or relational. A narcissist isn’t trying to make you feel good, heard, or loved, and they’re not trying to determine whether you could be right; they assume you are not. They’re trying to get what they want. Period.
I spent decades trying to get my mom to see me, validate my point of view, and acknowledge that I know best when it comes to me. It never happened, and the cost was enormous. The energy, the tears, and the self-doubt kept me from focusing on my life and believing in myself. I worked so hard to get my mom to see me that I lost alignment with myself.
The goal with a narcissist is not to let them drain your energy, emotional or otherwise. I missed that memo and walked around for years feeling drained and helpless (and angry!).
If you’re in a similar position, do these two things to feel less drained and more empowered when you communicate with a narcissist:
First: Stop trying to convince them of anything. Stop trying to get them to see that you’re right sometimes, that you have a valid perspective, and that you have unconditional worth. They have no interest in being convinced of any of that. Stop wasting your energy trying to prove yourself to someone who isn’t taking anything you say seriously. Stop expecting them to be interested in you as a person of equal value. They don’t want a relational relationship. That’s why none of your efforts to convince them of your worth or your knowledge have ever made a difference. Stop the drain.
Second: Start gray rocking. Gray rocking is communicating with short, non-emotional statements and questions (i.e., being a rock). Your emotions are fuel to a narcissist; if you want to reduce the drain, don’t give them anything to work with. If they try to guilt-trip you, calmly state what you are or aren’t going to do instead of arguing about why you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty, or don’t engage with that part of the conversation at all and talk about something else. Stick to the facts and the present moment. No big emotions, no extra explanations, and no pleading for understanding. Gray rocking gives you some power by keeping you grounded in your world, not the narcissist’s.
To be clear, the narcissist will not enjoy the gray rocking. It will feel like a loss of control, and it will make them angry. That’s okay; we’re no longer trying to please the narcissist, because that doesn’t work in the long term. The goal of gray rocking is to take care of you. Gray rocking helps you hold onto your power and your energy and keeps you aligned with yourself, not the narcissist.
That’s how to communicate with a narcissist better: stop trying to convince them of anything and start gray rocking. Remember, the goal is to stay focused on self-care, not on changing the narcissist’s mind. Once you understand that communicating with a narcissist is not the same as communicating with anyone else, you can choose to do it differently. Keep choosing yourself!
To learn more about dealing with narcissists:
The One Driving Need that Makes Narcissists Toxic
7 Telltale Signs You were Raised by a Narcissist