Being raised by a narcissist leaves a certain kind of mark.
If your parent was narcissistic*, you probably spent your childhood trying to make them happy and meet their high expectations. When you did, you were lavished with accolades and attention. When you didn’t, you were demeaned, guilted, or dismissed.
Narcissists are critical, demanding, and controlling. They are often manipulative. They’ll do whatever it takes to get their way, because their way is the right way. That’s a fun parent to have, right?
Narcissists believe they are special – more special and important than anyone else. They believe they know best, and they need everyone to admire them for it and comply with their wishes and demands. Narcissists believe that their opinions, beliefs, needs, feelings, and wants are the “right” ones, so they’re the only ones that matter. Everyone else’s opinions, beliefs, needs, feelings, and wants are irrelevant.
When you never get to be the most important person in the room, when your feelings never get validated, when your needs never get prioritized, when you never get to know best – even about yourself – it’s going to leave a mark. You ultimately learn that you don’t really matter.
Being raised by a narcissist is painful, and it tends to shape you in specific ways.
These are 7 of the most common signs you were raised by a narcissist:
1. You aren’t aware of your needs.
Children of narcissists were trained to prioritize the narcissist’s needs, always. The self-centered narcissist is always the most important person in the room, so their needs are the only ones that matter. In addition, they see their children as extensions of themselves: the child is expected to do exactly what they want because the child is, essentially, their pawn. The child’s moves are based on their needs, not the child’s.
If the narcissistic parent is hot, their need to have the air conditioning on in the middle of winter will prevail, even if their kids are freezing. If the parent isn’t hungry at lunch time, they assume no one should need to eat. If they want to go to the beach for vacation and everyone else wants to go to the mountains, the family will be going to the beach. If the parent wants the child to perform a certain song at the talent show, the child will perform that song even if they don’t want to perform at all.
Children of narcissists learn that their own needs aren’t valid, so they generally stop paying attention to them (or try not to have them). They stay focused on other people’s needs.
2. You don’t trust yourself.
Narcissists believe they’re right and everyone who thinks or acts differently is wrong. If their child does or says anything that doesn’t exactly match what the parent believes or wants them to do, the child is automatically wrong. Children of narcissists get corrected and criticized and told they’re wrong all the time, regardless of the actual facts. Narcissists will gaslight and manipulate to ensure that they are seen as “right.”
Children of narcissists get told that they don’t pick the “right” friends or the “right” classes, that they’re not saying things “right”, that their opinions aren’t “right”, that they don’t socialize “right”, that they don’t look “right”, and that their knowledge is not “right.”
Because they learn that they are never right, even when they (think they) are, children of narcissists learn not to trust themselves. They look to other people to tell them what’s right.
3. You don’t trust others.
Narcissistic parents don’t care about being trustworthy; they don’t care about what other people want or need or how they feel. Therefore, narcissists don’t put effort into keeping their word or being reliable, especially with a child.
If a child asks their narcissistic parent to keep a secret, the parent will see no reason to keep that secret and will share it if it serves them to do so. If a parent is supposed to pick their child up from school at 3 pm, the parent will not bother to get there at 3 pm if it interferes with their own schedule.
Because kids naturally want to trust their parents, children of narcissists grow up having their trust broken over and over. They learn that people can’t be trusted, even the people who are supposed to love them.
4. You don’t believe you deserve empathy or compassion.
Narcissistic parents believe that if you do everything “right”, everything will go “right.” In other words, if you do everything the way the narcissist says you should, everything will go well. Therefore, if someone feels bad, it’s their own fault for not doing things “right”. The narcissist also doesn’t ever put themselves in other’s shoes (because in their mind there’s no point), which greatly impacts their ability to do empathy and compassion.
If a child feels sad about moving away from their friends and their narcissistic parent thinks they shouldn’t, they are not likely to get any comfort. If a child breaks their arm falling out of a tree, the parent will only say the child should have been more careful and will be disappointed in the child.
Because narcissists don’t give their kids empathy or compassion, their children learn that they don’t deserve empathy or compassion. Children learn what they deserve based on how their parents treat them.
5. You have unrealistically high expectations of yourself.
Narcissistic parents see themselves as superior to, well, everyone, but they also expect everyone to live up to their very high expectations. Especially their kids. And they are clear about how bad it is to not meet their expectations; they are harsh and critical and tend to see people as failures.
The narcissistic parent who believes they know best about health and fitness and expects their young child to rigidly follow their daily food and exercise regimen, who demeans the child if they miss a day. The narcissistic parent who requires the child to attend the same top-tier university they attended. The narcissistic parent who berates the child if they go out in public in “unacceptable” clothes (i.e., jeans instead of whatever style pants the narcissist prefers).
Children of narcissists learn that they aren’t acceptable or good enough if they don’t meet their parent’s very high standards. They scramble to be as perfect as they can (or stop trying, and simply assume they are unacceptable).
6. You can’t tolerate healthy relationships.
Children of narcissists learn that relationships are never about them; they’re about the other person and keeping the other person happy. They get used to putting a lot of energy and focus on the other person and having none for themselves.
Children will make sure things are the way their narcissistic parent likes it. They will be quiet when they want to be loud, because the parent wants them to be quiet and believes that’s the only right way to be. They will perform when their parent wants to show them off. They will act however they need to to try to keep their parent from being disappointed in them, criticizing them, or dismissing them.
Healthy relationships can feel confusing and even bad to adult children of narcissists. Having someone focus on your needs can feel confusing. Being taken seriously can feel scary. Not having a lot of drama can feel boring. You tend to end healthy relationships because they don’t feel like you think relationships are supposed to feel.
7. You don’t expect to receive the gifts you asked for.
When you have a narcissistic parent, your gifts are never about you. What you want doesn’t matter. Narcissistic parents believe they know best about everything, including other people, so they give their children the gifts they think their kids should have.
If the child wants to learn how to watercolor but their narcissistic parent thinks that acrylics are a higher form of art, they will get their child acrylics instead of watercolors (or dance lessons if they believe dancing is better than painting). If the child wants a particular stuffed animal, the parent won’t get it for them if they think it’s ugly. By the way, they will also give their child the sweater they want the child to have, even if the child has said they don’t like that sweater.
Even if you explicitly asked for a gift, you were not likely to get it if your parent didn’t think it’s what you should have. You grew used to being ignored or dismissed, even on days that were supposed to be about you.
**
If these signs sound familiar, if this sounds like you, the most important takeaway is that you were never the problem. You had a parent who couldn’t see you and wouldn’t prioritize you because of their own issues. The way you were treated was based on them, not you. You didn’t get the chance to learn about yourself; there’s no room for other people to be themselves when a narcissist is around.
If you’re still struggling with the impacts your narcissistic parent had on you, work on unhooking from what they taught you about yourself. Unhook from the idea that your worth is conditional. Unhook from the idea that you only have value if you are doing what they want you to do.
Hook onto the idea that you have unconditional worth. Your worth has nothing to do with your parent or how you perform or what you believe. It never did.
*Narcissism exists on a spectrum. There are people with narcissistic traits and people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your parent did not need to have a diagnosable disorder to impact you with their narcissism. Mine didn’t.
To learn more about the impacts of a narcissistic parent:
How Having a Narcissistic Parent Impacts Our Love Lives
The One Driving Need that Makes Narcissists Toxic
Communicating with a Narcissist: What you need to know to do it better